Offbeat Ads: Gummy Bear on a Stick

Just look at that man's face. The expression of pure peace and joy is priceless. The thought of the stomach ache he's going to have when he's done bring me a similar feeling.

A tiny plastic Container! I must put my head in it!

Why I love cats.

Safe for Work - Vintage Porn

Because I was specifically told not to post this, You know I'm going to.




So to recap, here's a little summary courtesy of Matt:

matt: wanna watch the best video EVER!?!?
mayochup: yes!
matt: oooook
matt: don't you go bloggin all over it now like always Link
matt: jk
matt: koala!
matt: pony
matt: piunball
matt: phone
matt: maracas
matt: bongos
matt: harmonica
matt: bass
matt: accordian
matt: tables
matt: viola
matt: drum mic
matt: cannon cake
matt: frosting


Choke film review coming in a bit.

Alanis Covers Fergie and amazing Fart filters

So Ironically enough (heh, thats a joke) This fell into my lap today. I love it, and I don't know why.


Similarly, I got this in an email.

Then, Via This Site
From the brilliant minds at Garment Guard comes our newest product, Subtle Butt. This pack of 5 saving graces effectively filters the odor caused by flatulence: Simply stick it in the right place and you’re ready for a chili cook-off. The “Subtle Butt” by Pond Inc is a fart neutralizer to eliminate smelly flatulence. The Subtle Butt neutralizer filters the flatulence as the wind breaks, absorbing and neutralizing its odor.

We eventually came up with a whole line of Fart eliminators to include the butt kazoo which makes cool sounds and disseminates a lovely odor when you pass gas. Don’t worry I won’t be sad if someone takes this idea and runs with it.

Selected Sources:


1. Subtle Butt

2. Subtle Butt-Fart pads - Gizmodiva.com

3. Strange New Products: Subtle Butt - Fart Pads

Headline of the Day: Fish Swims into Boy's Penis

If you were a little boy with a sadistic mother from the jungles of south America who loved to instill irrational fear and phobias into your head as a method of behavioral training, its one of those things that you always worried about in the back of your head every time you went to the beach.

Along with shark attacks, piranha maulings, man-o-war stings and pedophiles, wading in the piss warm waters of Miami Beach, every time something brushed past your leg or under your feet, you were about to be devoured, stung, pulled under. As you got older, these fears diminished more and more as you began to develop a more realistic take on life. There were no longer Anacondas waiting to fall out of the trees and eat your aunt Emma.

For this one poor little boy it won't be that easy.

A FISH swam the wrong way when it leapt upstream into a boy's PENIS and ended up in his BLADDER.

The 2cm daredevil caused all kinds of medical problems when it swam through the teenager's urethra.

The unfortunate lad was taken to hospital with complaints of pain, dribbling urine and acute urinary retention.

He claimed the fish slipped into his penis while he was cleaning his aquarium at home in India.

Professor Vezhaventhan and Professor Jeyaraman, who treated the boy and later wrote a paper on the case, said: "While he was cleaning the fish tank in his house, he was holding a fish in his hand and went to the toilet for passing urine.

"When he was passing urine, the fish slipped from his hand and entered his URETHRA and then he developed all these symptoms."

After finding the fish in the boy's BLADDER, the medics insert a special set of forceps down the patient's penis in a technique known as cystourethroscopy.

But the fish was too slippery, so the professors used a rigid ureteroscope with a tool attached – normally used for removing bladder stones.

The fish, which is thought to be a small member of the Betta genus, measured 2cm long and 1.5cm wide.

The patient was later offered counselling.

Now personally, I don't think there's enough counseling in the world that will get that boy back into the water. Given, he probably wont live his daily life in fear of say, squirrels jumping up his ass, but I'm sure he'll be using shower shorts the rest of his life.



My Only Question is, Who holds a fish in their hands while they pee?
Via The Sun

The Disney Genetics Lab and the Creation of a Star

Anyone who was over 20 when Miley Cirus knew that there was something wrong with those disney fuckers. It was just a matter of time before the truth came out.

Via The Onion

4-Letter Words and the Workplace

We curse a lot in my office, and one of our office managers, this woman who happens to be three million years old, is always walking around charging people a dollar or yelling at us to be more proper. Recently she sent me this email, which i thought was pretty funny.

XXX

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1:

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Number 2:
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.

Number 3:
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late .
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Number 4:
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

Number 5:
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

Number 6:
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit/fuck.

Number 7:
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

Number 8:
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

Number 9:
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

Number 10:
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11:
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

Number 12:
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

Number 13:
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14:
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

Number 15:
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

Number 16:
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.

Number 17:
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

Number 18:
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

XXX

after reading the email, I sent her a bill for $19.00

The difference between Men with Guts And Men with Balls

GUTS
Arriving home late after a night out
with the guys, being met by your wife
with a broom, and having the guts
to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS
Coming home late after a night out
with the guys, smelling of perfume
and beer, lipstick on your collar
slapping your wife on the butt and
saying, 'You're next, Fatty.'

Foreigners Beware...Banned Commercials.

Skeletons In the Closet

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in
the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the
closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends
like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church,
to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."

The Day that Nothing Changed

I was sitting here for and thinking about storms and randomly deciding out of nowhere to watch you videos of lightingin strikes. There are some pretty amazing ones.
like this shit.


my mouth gets me in trouble a lot. either that or people are too sensitive lately. I'm gonna go ahead and pretend its the latter because its not like everyone takes what i tell them to heart.

Regardless of the consequences of my actions, today i feel as if I have a huge (or tiny depending on how you look at it.) weight lifted off my shoulders. It is good as well as being sad. with of of the former not the latter.

and this video just flat out made me giggle.



ah. pop culture.

Anyways, my Google reader is desperate for some attention right now.

Humor: Aim Logs - When an english major and speech therapist collide

Mayochup: i LOVE her dress

LaceLeyes: ya im not a fan of sequence like u

LaceLeyes: its just so intense

Mayochup: you mean of sequins?

LaceLeyes: ohhhhhhh

Mayochup: because sequence is like the order that things go in

Mayochup: sequins are sparkly things

LaceLeyes: learning something new everyday its true!

Mayochup: lol

LaceLeyes: well it sonly differs by like one sound!

Mayochup: they are homonyms

LaceLeyes: i used to wear sequins all the times

LaceLeyes: no i dont think they are

LaceLeyes: because those are like see and sea right?

Mayochup: no, but youre right

Mayochup: theyre not

Mayochup: homonyms share the same spelling and the same pronunciation but have different meanings.

Mayochup: they dont have to sound the same

LaceLeyes: oh and then homophones are something else too

LaceLeyes: oh my god too much 2nd grade spelling class coming back at me!

Mayochup: no, homophones is right

Mayochup: different spelling

Mayochup: same pronunciation

Mayochup: (btw i cant believe were having this conversation right now)

Mayochup: i wanna marry you

LaceLeyes: hahahha

LaceLeyes: homophones only differ in meaning

Mayochup: yes

Mayochup: youre right

LaceLeyes: right

LaceLeyes: HAHA

LaceLeyes: im like putting it all together

Mayochup: homophones can also differ in spelling though

Mayochup: they are homonyms

LaceLeyes: right

Mayochup: no

Mayochup: im confusing myself

LaceLeyes: sew and so

Mayochup: they are homophones

Mayochup: homonyms are spelled the same and sound the same

Mayochup:homophones are spelled the same or different but sound the same

Mayochup: and have different meaning

LaceLeyes: right

Mayochup: Homographs are words that are written the same way but have different meanings and often different pronunciations

Mayochup: so they are homophones

Mayochup: jesus this is too intense for me

LaceLeyes: right because graphemes are letters

LaceLeyes: hahaha

Mayochup: lol

Mayochup: so um, marry me?

Mayochup:like now?

LaceLeyes: english major right?

Mayochup: ill tell kevin he doesnt have to come over

Mayochup: right

LaceLeyes: when an english major and speech therapist collide!

Mayochup: lol!!

LaceLeyes: THAT should be our slogan

Mayochup: we start haing conversations about glottal stops and graphemes

LaceLeyes: HAHAHHAH

Mayochup: jesus were bad

Mayochup: acutally its glottal stops and homophones

LaceLeyes: i can start writing you letters written in phonemes (sounds)

LaceLeyes: instead of alphabetically

Mayochup: i know what phonemes are, thats an english term too

LaceLeyes: i love doing that actually

Mayochup: do it!! leave me (hope youre ready for this) phonemenal comments!

LaceLeyes: well i can try but i dont have a phonemic alphabet on my computer.

Mayochup: damn it

LaceLeyes: i kinda want david to go home, he’s boring even tho he can sing

Mayochup: cook?

LaceLeyes: oh no i mean not david....that guy in the bottom 3 right now.

Mayochup: oh yea

Mayochup: me too

Mayochup: i didnt like him from the first day

Mayochup: he reminds me of enrique iglesias

Mayochup: and coming from miami that means gay

LaceLeyes: hahah

Mayochup: they are synonyms

Why I Love Having Titties or, The Idiot that Got Scammed at Home Depot

A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

---

Really Guy, You had your wallet stolen 9 times in one month because you were letting home depot tramps fondle you in your car? I'm sure men all over the world thank you for the warning, but women all over the world think youre easy, and stupid.

All of a sudden, I've gotta make an emergency run to Home depot for some, uh, wood. But first, where did I put that Wonderbra?

Humor: Aim Logs - Brazians

mayochup: Kevin and i are a repertoire of music
[H]: you two are
[H]: i just thought kevin took photos
[H]: i didnt know he was the jedi master of house music
[H]: hahaha
mayochup: lol
mayochup: we both we are
[H]: well i can juggle?
[H]: and what!
mayochup: youre asian
mayochup: asians juggle
mayochup: brazilians drink
mayochup: hispanics cook
mayochup: and white people eat
[H]: mexicans plant stuff
mayochup: that doo
mayochup: too*
mayochup: black people pick the stuff that mexicans plant
[H]: hahaha
[H]: speaking of which
[H]: why is their cotton on top of pill bottles?
mayochup: cuz im broke but need cotton balls?
[H]: no
[H]: to remind black people they were cotton pickers before they became drug dealers
mayochup: lmao
[H]: hahaha yeah i know
[H]: that was wrong
[H]: funny and wrong
mayochup: this entire conversation was wrong
mayochup: really, i think im putting it on myspace
[H]: put it up on a bulletin
[H]: and mention my name
[H]: phone number
[H]: and address
mayochup: will do
[H]: and social so the mexicans can steal it
mayochup: ok, can i have your:
full name
phone number
address
SS
[H] Juan Pablo Escobar
407 566 1243
Firestone
501 22 1234
-----

Video: Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'

Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'

I AM THE LAW!!!

Video: Hotstylz - Lookin Ass Nigga

Yes! Hilarious. This will be stuck in your head for weeks.

Random: More Google Humor, Daily MP3s

A while ago I made a post about all the strange little quirks that you could entertain yourself with on the vast array of Google site. Spending about 98% of my life in front of the computer, I have a lot of time to spend looking for more of these (often) useless treasure. I recently discovered even more Amazing Google secrets, similar to the ones I had listed in that older post.

• GOOGLE MAPS - It’s been fixed now, but it used to be possible to ask Google Maps for directions from your house in Poughkeepsie (I just love the name of that city) to, say, the Vatican in Rome and be told that you would have to swim many thousands of miles across the Atlantic Ocean in order to get there. Google’s way of saying Americans need more exercise

• FLIGHT SIMULATOR - Within the Folds of the Google Earth program is a flight simulator. Accessed by pressing Ctrl-Alt-A on the keyboard (or Command-Option-A for you Mac users), you’re given the chance to try your hand at piloting either a propeller-powered plane or an F16 jet. You’re also given a choice of starting from a number of famous airports. Controls are available, and they’re worth a gander. This is harder than it seems

• iGOOGLE 3:14AM - That infamous little beast that usually swims in that dark lake in Loch Ness can be spotted just off the coast of Google at 3:14am. If you set your browser to the Beach iGoogle theme and wait, hopefully staying awake, little Nessie will surface from the sea for approximately 60 seconds. The rumor is that Google developers wanted to create a tribute to the mathematical quantity Pi or something (roughly equal to 3.14159 as in 3:14am). On other themes, you can spot the Aurora Borealis (Seasonal Scape), spot kitsune (mythical fox spirits common to Japanese folklore) appearing in the Tea House theme, or see an alien abduction all at 3:14am.

• GOOGLE LANGUAGES - Love Cartoons? Ever wanted to momentarily pretend you were Elmer Fudd? Google gives you that chance with Google Elmer Fudd. Further possibilities include Pig Latin and even Klingon. Shouldve guessed that all those Saturday Mornings would’ve affected a few.

• GOOGLE GULP - In 2005, Google decided that--instead of just making Google searches smarter--it would do its damndest to make the people conducting Google searches smarter as well. The solution--literally--was Google Gulp Beta, a drink formulated in four yummy flavors (Glutamate Grape, Sugar-Free Radical, Beta Carroty, and Sero-Tonic Water). The secret ingredient: a chemical compound designed to optimize the drinker's use of the Google search engine by rendering the individual more intelligent. For all you non-MENSA members, here's the bad news: It was another Google hoax. Oh, well--back to MSG and syrupy radicals...

• GOOGLE EASTER EGG GAME - If you type in “google easter eggs” and hit the”I’m Feeling Lucky” button, you’re treated to a minigame in which you control a rabbit and have to catch eggs which then spell out the word “Google”.

• GOOGLE ROMANCE - Since 2000, Google has honored Every April Fool's Day by preying on the gullible. In 2006, it went after lonely hearts with a Google Romance beta program, which purported to offer "users both a psychographic matchmaking service and all-expenses-paid dates for couples who agree to experience contextually relevant advertising throughout the course of their evening." Free foods for ads? I’m just wondering what they meant by ‘experience’

• GMAIL PAPER - As part of a 2007 April Fool's Day joke, Google announced the debut of Gmail Paper, which would allow users to create a hard copy of their entire Gmail account. In a nod toward environmental consciousness, Google said that it would avoid cutting trees down to print people's Gmail archives, instead using paper composed of "96 percent post-consumer organic soybean sputum." Oh well.

• GOOGLE GOTH AND LOCO - To find this hidden Google treasure, type 'Google Gothic' into the Google search field and--instead of hitting the Search button--select 'I'm feeling lucky.' You'll see Googoth, a specialized search engine that caters to "dark, gothic, industrial, and alternative topics." This search site is not related to Google. Another specialized site unrelated to Google is Google Loco, a parody of Google that's rife with bouncy characters and flashing colors. Tip: Try Google Loco in Internet Explorer for an even better, muy loco experience.

• GOOGLE ESP SEARCH - Have you ever been too lazy to type in your Google search query? If so, consider Google MentalPlex search. This Google service figures out what you're looking for before you touch the keyboard, by analyzing the previous five sites you visited and factoring in your local air pressure, your astrological sign, and the "speed and vector of your mouse movements." Okay, you didn't have to conduct an imaginary search to figure this one out: Google MentalPlex was the April Fool's Day hoax for 2000.

• GOOGLE STREET VIEWS - The Google employees that make our favorite cool Google services often go unrecognized. But that's not the case with Google Street Views. In a rare Google display of self-acclaim. the Google Street View team posed in the back of the company's Googleplex headquarters in Mountain View, California in--you guessed it--a Google Street View. Other Google Street View nifties, include the view of a drive by shooting (?!), and I’m sure more I haven’t found yet.

• GOOGLE TiSP - Are you poor? Well then cheapskates rejoice. If you ever wished for no-cost broadband Internet access without having to steal it from your neighbor or discommode yourself in any way, Google's free (but advertising-supported) TiSP service is a dream come true. To get TiSP (short for Toilet Internet Service Provider), you first obtain a free self-install kit from Google. Next, you flush one end of the fiber-optic cable (included in kit) down the toilet and then wait for about an hour while the line is connected to the Internet via a "Plumbing Hardware Dispatcher (PHD)." Now hook up your Google wireless router and you're done. Yeah, it was a Google hoax.

• GOOGLE TV - oh, GoogleTV. Simply follow the steps outlined by Infinite Solutions host Mark Erickson in this instructional video. The bad news: If you hope to gain on-demand streaming access to ABC, CBC, NBC, and Fox's primetime line-ups, you'll be sorely disappointed. Infinite Solutions is a parody of a tech show, and none of its mirthful tech "tutorials" really work.

• Lastly, here’s a screen shot of that Teddy Bear Thing in Picasa (Ctrl-Shift-Y):

Love it.

On a completely unrealted note, I just found out my friend David will have his art featured on Burger King bags, cups, f on the package for their fries and onion ring holders. It goes without saying that the man is an amazing artist. His girlfriend, my life-long best friend, Tati told me this amazing news today. And I am just beyond proud of him. Good Job Dave!

Moving on, it’s the summer, and I’m working myself to the bone. I got a new desk for my little ol apartment, but I can’t get it in there without a truck and without first moving the giant snake/reptile enclosure that used to house my Burmese python out the door and down the uneven stairs to the dumpster.

It will happen. Just Give me time.



Some Music For You:

My Fav of the Day:
Gang Gang - House Jam - (XXXchange Remix)

And Favs of the last week or so:

LA Riots – If I could ft. Jadis
Chromeo – Bonafied Lovin (Yuksek Remix)
Rewind - South Central - Kerosene (Big Black Cover)
Anoraak - Sunday Night Fever (Neon Coyote Remix)
Heartache feat. Cujo - What Does It Mean (Calling In Sick Remix)

Video: Britain's Got Talent

Amazing.


Meanwhile, I couldn't even get my dog to poop on the grass.

Video: Profanity

In memory of George Carlin


Gotta love it. And, since we're on the subject of profanity, Blink 182, on a compilation lovingly entitled "Short Music for Short People" made this delightful little ditty, which one can only assume was inspired the late great Carlin. Family Reunion, with its catchy little jingle is guaranteed to stay with you forever.

According to Wiki:

"Family Reunion" is a 36 second song by blink-182 consisting mostly of profanity. Clearly inspired by the 10 word version of George Carlin's Seven Words You Can Never Say, the band has been playing the song since their Cheshire Cat days.

The song was recorded in the studio for Short Music for Short People, an album released in 1999 for Fat Wreck Chords and appears on the band's live album, released in 2000, The Mark, Tom, and Travis Show: The Enema Strikes Back.

The only words that are not 'profanities' are 'and', 'my', 'too', 'I', 'your', 'dad', 'mom' and the entire last line; although in some circles the words 'fart', 'suck' and 'turd' may only be considered minorly offensive and not actual profanities.

In some music stores such as Music World and HMV, the song is completely removed in the listening booths while other songs remain intact because of the offensive terms.

So now, without Further ado, I present you, your verbal bashing for the day