Poem: Hum

Hum

It tells me I will have to die, for just a minute,
To continue on living the way I do.
The way I want to.
It knows I keep it secret,
And it teases me with the laughter of children
Running circles around their mothers.
Those perfect happy families.

This decision is harder than it seems,
And it bothers us both more than we can say
To one another out in the open, it hides in our eyes.
But when we kiss, when you hold my hand
And tell me you love me, tell me it will be all right,
We both feel the presence of our creation.
The hum of it is deafening,
Speaking silently from within me.
My unknown secret, unthinking, a life in my hands.

Leaning against the cold tiles in the bathroom
Lights off, in the dead of night,
Head spinning in the silence
I move my hands from my head to my belly
And try to ease my hectic mind.
This is my continuing internal battle.
I can’t seem to find the middle ground
Between relief and regret.
Convinced I can hear a heartbeat
That does not yet exist.

Hoping desperately that some calm voice
Will save me from these screaming fears,
From the deep silence of the night.
A hand to wipe my tears from my face and
Give me strength to make me follow through with my choice.
Even if it’s only in the temporary safety of that moment,
Bring me peace.

I’m hoping I don’t break, don’t falter,
Hoping I don’t keep my eyes open when I try to sleep,
To shut the hum out when I feel guilty,
To keep from dreaming once it’s over,
To not wake screaming in the night.

© Melo ‘05