Hooker for a Day.

We weren’t even all the way done with July before the consumer arsenal of Halloween themed trash found its way into my Walmart. More than three months before the day, I find myself amidst an aisle of brightly packed and stacked chocolates and hard candies just waiting to be passed out to the hundreds of overweight kids, who for one fateful day in late October, will actually be walking the streets instead of playing WoW into the break of dawn. The same aisle that showcases all kinds of lays potatoes chips and dip in January and holds notebooks and pens in late July, turns, in late August, into something that almost resembles a mail order bride catalogue of fall flavored beer, gravy mixes and cavities waiting to happen.
It isn’t long after the candy appears that malls start converting their empty spaces into massive hallows eve themed superstores, all the scene kids refill their annual supply of electric colored tights, and stores begin to filling their racks with slutty costumes and cat masks.
Oh, fall, that time of year where the temperature drops low enough for sweaters to be pulled out of storage, the leaves turn brown and the air starts to, wait, what am I talking about? This is Florida, we don’t have that kind of change here. Fall in Florida happens quietly, and mostly in the background, dominated by consumerism. Instead of browning leaves, suddenly, you can find almost anything that tastes like pumpkin (including some things that probably shouldn’t) placed proudly on display at a checkout counter near you. Instead of temperature drops, we get another three months of the beach. We get lots of alcohol, oh, and boobs.
If there’s anything to be said for the fact that’s its 82˚ and humid year round, at the very least, we get to enjoy the best of any trending fashion that requires at least 80% of your body being completely uncovered. It almost seems as if the vast majority of the Floridian populace came to the mass consensus that it was going to use the Halloween season as an excuse to prove to their parents that sending them to church on Sundays was an absolute waste of everyone’s time. And so what if your parents took their time instilling in you the morals of a good girl, you only get this one night a year to go out dressed like the pornographic version of the little mermaid, so why not take advantage of it.
Any Halloween store you walk into will undoubtedly have a selection of costumes that give the skimpiest skivvies a run for their money (with a pricetag to match). It has somehow become okay to walk around dressed (or undressed) in the worlds tiniest sailor outfit, all in good fun.
Sadly though, the world isn’t populated with 5’9 cover models, and the beauty in all this is that, as soon as the air stinks of pumpkins and hurricanes, blossoming beauties of all shapes and sizes are going to squeeze themselves into outfits that no real pirate would ever be caught dead in and body suits so small that most strippers would reconsider, and all in the name of the dead? Who doesn’t want to be drunk for that?
And who would want it any different? That’s why fall brings us Halloween Horror Nights at Universal, why we have our very own Oktoberfest, and why people come from miles just to pass the season here.
At the store, I haul the unnecessarily large 5lb bag of mixed chocolate deliciousness into my shopping cart. I’m sure it’ll melt before I get home. But maybe I can shield it from the sun with my super sexy ‘Alice in Wonderland’ costume, which I’m sure will be a big hit this year, if I can only manage to lose these fifteen pounds.
But I still haul the unnecessarily large 5 lb bag of mixed chocolate deliciousness into my shopping and continue shopping. I’m sure it’ll melt before I get home. But maybe I can cover it with my sexy ‘Alice in Wonderland’ costume, which I’m sure will be a big hit this year.